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Getting Through A Breakup

by jenny sansouci on May 2, 2012

I don’t usually write about really personal things here on Healthy Crush. I usually try to spread the positive stuff and shed light on all the health-conscious things going on around me. But being healthy includes a focus on personal growth, and this is what’s going on in my life right now. After what I’ve gone through over the past week, I’ve realized that pain and suffering are part of the human experience. Everyone goes through love and loss and eventually awakens to a new experience of life. If this post helps even one person cope with a breakup, then this is worth sharing. It’s an incredibly powerful period of growth for me – and for you too, if you’re going through heartbreak.

The past week has felt like a blackout blur. And no, I wasn’t on some kind of drug bender…I was going through an epic breakup. It’s been one of the most painful and overwhelming experiences of my life thus far. And I’m surviving. And I’m here to tell you what’s helped me get through it.

When an important relationship comes to an end, whether both people knew it was coming or not, it’s a huge change and a huge loss. Especially if you live together (which we did, for over 3 years). It feels like life as you know it is being ripped out from under you. It feels like you have to create an entirely new life – alone – and that’s a really scary way to feel. You want things to be back to normal. It’s a crazy, confusing array of emotions.

When we decided officially to end the relationship and move out, the first few days were insanely painful. Painful doesn’t even describe what I was feeling. I was in total denial and shock that it was actually over. After years of sharing every moment of my life with him, it was impossible to even imagine what life would be like without him. I felt like I was losing my best friend, my partner, my lover, my companion. Even though we both knew this was going to happen – needed to happen, even – I was totally unprepared for how it would actually feel. Heart-wrenching, awful, terrifying and incredibly sad.

(Before I go any further, I should probably mention that I have his full approval to write this blog).

So listen. I’m not going to try to tell you how to get over your ex, or how to move on, or anything like that. I’m going to tell you how to literally survive the first week of the breakup – because if you’re going through a breakup and you’re questioning whether or not you can physically and emotionally bear the weight of the pain…I relate.

Here’s what I’ve done over the past week to survive and get through the initial stages of the breakup. It hasn’t been easy, but these things helped so much.

1. Sleep at a friend’s house. The first few nights after the breakup, there was no way in hell I was going to sleep in our apartment. It had changed, in a matter of minutes, from a comforting home into a graveyard full of our old memories. Torture. I had to get out of there, fast. I crashed on my friends couches and air mattresses and I let my them take care of me like I was a little baby (THANK YOU Jeanne and Gabby). Yes, of course it was hard to fall asleep when I was so distraught. But being with people who love me was really necessary and a huge part of my coping and healing process.

2.  Eat something. I’ve never been one of those “I’m too upset to eat” types of people. Didn’t believe I ever could be. But shockingly enough, my appetite was total zilch for days after the breakup. I didn’t want to put anything into my stomach because I was so nauseous. Fortunately my friends coaxed me to drink a juice, a smoothie, and eat some berries. That’s all I could force down, but if I hadn’t eaten anything the emotional turmoil would have been much worse. Once I was on my own I had to force myself to eat an apple, a grapefruit and eventually a few almonds. Trust me, if you don’t eat anything, you’ll feel more out of control than you already feel. Now that I’ve gotten comfortable using my juicer again (my first thoughts after the breakup were “I’ll never use ‘our’ juicer again!” – thankfully that passed), I’ve been making green juice every day and my healing body is thanking me.

3. Call people all the time. All of my closest friends and family members got multiple phone calls throughout the past week. I needed to feel like I wasn’t alone, and having “void” alone time was excruciating. Talking to my friends and family did miraculous things for my healing. One thing was that many people had a breakup war story of their own to tell me – including the part where they end up OK. The other thing was that I allowed myself to be super vulnerable and actually let people know that I needed help and was suffering. That’s usually really hard for me to do. I already feel my friendships getting stronger because of my vulnerability. So call people. Your friends want to be there for you.

4. Feel it. I’ve heard the phrase “the only way out is through.” It’s true. Don’t avoid your pain with overeating, alcohol, drugs, jumping into the arms of someone new, or other ways of numbing out. Cry as much as you need to. Feel every bit of sadness. The real suffering comes from trying to push away the feelings. Have acceptance that you’re going through a hard time, and let it exist. It’s not permanent, and the more you let yourself feel, the sooner you’ll start to feel better.

5. Ground yourself in physical tasks. Part of going through a grieving process is that sometimes you just don’t know what to do. You probably won’t feel inspired to do anything that involves thinking too hard. What really helped me to get through the “what do I do” moments was to do mindless physical tasks like laundry, cleaning out the refrigerator and doing dishes. It will help you move through your day.

6. Exercise. The pain and sadness need to move through you. There’s a lot of stuck energy in your body that needs to be released. For me, the first couple of days, walking outside for hours was a welcome relief and gave me a chance to breathe and make phone calls. Yoga has been helping tremendously too.

7. Help someone else. I know, this probably sounds like the last thing you feel like doing right now. But miraculously, and definitely for a reason, I was scheduled to work at a self-help workshop the day after my breakup. I was assisting Kris Carr and Nick Ortner at their Omega NYC weekend workshop. Even though I felt like a complete and total wreck, and it took every ounce of my strength to get through the day, helping them out gave me a very welcome relief from sitting around in my own head all day. It was no accident that I was scheduled to be there that day. (THANK YOU for everything, Kris and Nick).

8. Commit to staying healthy and nurturing yourself. Treat yourself as if you were sick. Hydrate. Eat something nourishing – soup, juices, smoothies. Take a day or two off of work if you can. Let it be OK that you’re not as productive as usual. Give yourself a break. Light candles. Wrap yourself in blankets. Try to sleep.

9. Read this book. Broken Open – How Difficult Times Help Us Grow, by Elizabeth Lesser. My dear friend Gabby put this book into my hands right after the breakup. “You need this,” she said. And I did. This book is full of stories of people who have been transformed and awakened and have grown through pain, loss and suffering. It kept me company and truly made me begin to have compassion for myself and for everyone around me. It gave me hope.

10. Ask for help in whatever way feels right to you. Whether you pray, meditate, read passages from spiritual books, ask for help from a mentor, a friend, a family member, a therapist, God, angels, spirit guides, the Universe, your higher self, Buddha, John Lennon…it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you try to maintain even a slight shred of belief that things are unfolding as they should, you’re not in this alone, you’re on the right path, you’re taken care of, and you’re exactly where you need to be.

If you’re suffering, take it day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Try some of the tips I’ve shared, as I can vouch that they work wonders. Soon, you’ll start to get to the place where the moments of pain are fewer and you’ll begin to feel more moments of clarity, hope and peace.

I’ve been broken open. And if you’re going through the initial stages of a breakup now, you’re broken open too. Your heart is becoming more open, vulnerable, compassionate. You’re about to enter into a transformational stage of your life where you’re going to get to know you – the real you – much better. And it’s going to be beautiful and better than you could have ever imagined. I truly believe that for myself and for you.

And expect more personal growth blogs here in the near future. I’ve got a lot of growing, awakening and transforming to do…which, I’ll admit…is kind of exciting.

The morning after I spent the night at my friend Gabby’s apartment, I saw this magnet on her fridge and it struck me deeply. ACCEPTANCE, I knew, was the missing piece.


So now I’d love to hear from you. Share your experiences in the comments below. Let’s boldly walk through this together.

 




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{ 144 comments… read them below or add one }

gabby May 2, 2012 at 11:12 am

so beautiful! so proud of you

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:25 pm

thank you, g.. love you.

to everyone who has commented below…i’m sorry I haven’t written back. in the past year it’s been too difficult for me to even LOOK at this blog post again. so i’m replying a year later. better late than never, i hope..

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Sarah September 2, 2014 at 1:47 pm

Since some time has passed after your breakup, I’m hoping that you can help me understand what is coming. I was in a relationship for 6 and a half years. It ended with him cheating and now he is in a relationship with that woman. We had planned our lives together and were close to becoming engaged. I feel that I have already gone through all of the “stages of grief”, but now, 4 months after the breakup, I feel that I am starting them all over again. I have not spoken to him in 3 months, so that isn’t the issue.
A few weeks ago, I was optimistic and hopeful for the future, but then out of nowhere the grief hit me again. I have had several weeks of sadness and I am wondering how long it will take for me to be okay. I think these feelings started because I had a dream about him, but unlike my other dreams since the breakup (which had been about the bad things that happened), this dream was more like a flashback to when we were good(which was for most of our relationship-6 years). Now I keep thinking of our good times instead of the bad. I thought that I was doing really well until the last few weeks. I wasn’t thinking of all of the good times we had, I focused on the bad, which seemed to help. Now, I feel like I have started over from the beginning again.
Any advice to help me avoid going through this grief again and again?

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Shannon May 2, 2012 at 11:18 am

You are so brave to write this! It will help people. Such a difficult topic and feeling to describe and you did it beautifully. You are very lucky that you found this “love affair with living well,” I’m sure this focus is where you found your strength.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:26 pm

thank you shan…we gotta help each other out! <3

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Kendall May 2, 2012 at 11:25 am

wow. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I give you so much credit for sharing and helping others through this post. Thinking of you! xo

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:26 pm

thank you, kendall!

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Kathryn May 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Jenny, this is so honest and dead-on. Grieving a relationship is a process and you will get through it (with a little help from your friends who love you immensely). You are a strong and beautiful health WARRIOR! <3

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:27 pm

thank you K, you’re right, and i’m endlessly grateful for friends like you. xo

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Ditto May 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

Wow! That’s pretty amazing to me. You just told my exact story. Thank you so much for sharing this. Mine happened several months ago so I’m much further along in the healing process, but the early days were just as you described. Fortunately I did a lot of what you advise here and it is true. It works! Thanks for reaching out in a way that I know will help others. When we go through something like this, we feel as if we are the only ones. You are probably helping so many more people than you even realize.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:29 pm

thank you. i really appreciate your response and hope your heart is healing too. matters of the heart are something we can all relate to, even though the pain feels so unique. i’m glad to know we’re on the path together!

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Kristin May 2, 2012 at 11:39 am

Jenny–thanks so much for sharing!! I admire your courage to put it out there for everyone to see….very inspiring. I will definitely be putting your tips into practice!!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:30 pm

thank you, kristin…i hope your heart is feeling good. :)

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Sam May 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

amazing and inspiring. this bleeds love and hope. you are a miracle. xo

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:30 pm

love you sam, couldn’t get through a day without your support! xo

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Shonda Howard May 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

So Brave to share your story here! I think this is a topic that can always bring women together and I can totally relate. Last year after my epic breakup I sublet the apartment we shared for a couple of months and stayed with a close friend which worked wonders. I also took a trip to Europe which made me feel whole again and gave me new perspective. lots of love to you in your healing and thanks for such a great post!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:31 pm

thank you so much for sharing. i totally agree, getting out of the apartment is a huge help. and traveling has helped me immensely, too. sending love…

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Rachel May 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Beautifully written and so heartfelt. Can completely relate. You are doing amazing work, both for others and now for yourself. You are right when you say it isn’t permanent, though that doesn’t always make it easier at the moment. Glad you have such a wonderful support system to see you THROUGH. Sending hugs.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:33 pm

thank you, rachel. you’re right, in the moment it feels really difficult but the feelings aren’t permanent – at least the intensity of them. getting through the day is the key, at first! thanks for the hugs.

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Robyn Youkilis, HCC, Your Healthiest You May 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Thank you so much for your sharing such a personal story Jenny. No doubt it will help hundreds if not thousands of others. Many years ago during painful past breakups I used to watch 2 movies every single night. It was the only way to numb out the pain until I could feel anything again. It is the hardest thing to do what you have done. Just know that your future welcomes you with open arms with all of life’s gifts at the ready. Walking through my obstacles was the best thing I ever could have done for myself and the life I am now privileged to live. I’m a very lucky and happy girl today because of these past experiences. Know that you are loved by your friends and readers. Always.

Big hugs,
Robyn

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Love you Robyn. Thank you for sharing this story of hope + making me realize, yet again, that we’re not alone in any of this. Thank you for being such an important part of my support system. xo

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erin @WELLinLA May 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

My heart goes out to you! Beautifully written and excellent advice. Conversely, it helps to read this as the friend helping someone go through a painful breakup. We had a friend staying with us going through a divorce and we tried to keep them busy and trying new things during that time and now that they are on their own again. I’m glad to see we weren’t being annoying… (okay maybe a little!) but were on the right track with trying to help him.

Cheers to you for moving on and lots of love in all that comes next for you!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:35 pm

thanks, erin. it’s great that your friend going through a divorce has had you to support him, and that you let him stay with you…he will never forget that. xo

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Nisha Moodley May 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Jenny, you and this story are a beacon of light. Sending you love and fanning your flames. Thank you for alchemizing your pain in service of others, and yourself. You are brilliant.

Love always,
Nisha

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:35 pm

Thank you Nisha.. you’re a support and an inspiration to me, always. xo

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Roy De Oliveira May 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm

thank you for sharing. i came home from working with the bad brains and she was gone. i decided to back up and go back to fl. i been walking with my pug everyday and night and enjoying smoothie king drinks. all natural too. i have a great group of friends and an awesome mom. they have all been here for me and i can’t thank them enough. the tough thing is that my ex has shown me a side of her that is just not right, but one the bright side i can have the operations that i need to get done. plus i can be on the beach and enjoy some beautiful sunshine. thank sagain

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:37 pm

Thanks Roy, I like that you mentioned walking the dog, drinking smoothies, enjoying the beach, the sunshine, and having the support of your friends and your mom. In tough times like this it really is gratitude and appreciation that help us through. I hope you’re healing and feeling better.

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Sara May 2, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Jenny, I am a long-time follower and lover of your blog but this is the first time I am actually leaving a comment. I was very moved by your words and really wish I would have had access to this 2 years ago when I had my break up with my boyfriend since 4 years. Breaking up our from the outside perfect life, beautiful home and all plans of happy ever after. But in the end all you can do is to follow your heart.

A few things I was told during this time and that I would like to tell anyone in the same situation
– Just take one day at a time.
– “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”.
– Practical things can ALWAYS be solved.

2 years later and I can sign the old klyche that time heal everything. I am happier than ever and know that the whole experience is a part of who I am and made me grow beyond what I used to be. No matter how many times I woke up from crying or how hard my heart was aching. Every teardrop and every ache in my heart made me the person I am today.

So much love and strenght to you Jenny and also, there are moments of happiness and freedom in the middle of the grief. Me! My life! Me in my life!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:38 pm

“Every teardrop and every ache in my heart made me the person I am today.”

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It means a lot to me that you shared this beautiful wisdom.

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Valerie May 2, 2012 at 3:25 pm

What an eloquent and beautifully written piece! Like Sara I have followed this website for a long time and this piece compelled me to write you. I just wanna say that I think you’re awesome and talented and I have learned so much from you that you have inspired me to get healthy and well. I have a long way to go, but reading your articles and your positive attitude motivates me. I am so sorry for what you are going through. This must be very tough, but you seem to have a great support network around you. That definately makes all the difference! Thank you again for all you do and stay strong!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:39 pm

Valerie, thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate the support and I am glad to hear you’ve been inspired by this site. It really means the world to me!

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Kamala Chambers May 2, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Thank you so much for your courage to share this. Your journey is so valuable, and will continue to help others! We all need support. You have taken something so painful and so close to you and transformed it into a light that can shine onto others. You are a true inspiration!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:40 pm

Kamala, you have been so important on my journey.. thank you for helping me get more in touch with myself and the beauty of life. Love you.

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Jennifer Kass May 2, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Jenny, you have made miraculous shifts in just one week–be so proud of yourself! As you know, this is just the beginning, with many more to come. Very excited for your new journey and sending you love + light through the growing pains.

Love
Jennifer

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:41 pm

Thank you Jennifer, your words mean a lot to me and I’m so glad to have you as a fellow wellness junkie on my journey.

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Nadya @ Spinach and Yoga May 2, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Jenny,
Sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time! It is amazing how much people change and that sometimes even people living in proximity can grow distant. No matter how scary it may be, it is always best to stay true to yourself and to your journey. And this is exactly what you are doing. Time and positive thoughts, along with close friends and inspiring work will heal!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:42 pm

Thank you, Nadya…you’re right…we have to stay true to ourselves no matter how painful it can be. I appreciate your words!

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Jeanne May 2, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Thank you for being so real, so vulnerable, so beautifully you <3

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:43 pm

Jeanne…where would I have been without your couch, and you peeling me off of my apartment floor? Thank you, thank you, forever thank you.

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Angie May 3, 2012 at 10:34 am

Jenny..This is amazing…if I could have read this thirty five years ago it would have helped me through a lot of heartache. Thank you for putting this out there. You will help so many people ..Love and hugs to you.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:43 pm

Thank you Angie. Our heartache is collective…thank you for reminding me that we all go through it. You’re an inspiration to me, too. Love you.

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Katie Hoffman May 3, 2012 at 11:36 am

Jenny I am so sorry you are going through this! I have been where you are. I know that feeling of emptiness and pain. I remember it taking every ounce of strength I had just to get out of bed for the day. It does get easier, and you of all people, are strong enough to learn the lessons needed to move forward. Thank you for sharing your life with us! It is so brave and inspiring. Your words resonate with your readers and I’m sure they will all be as moved as I am. Thank you.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:45 pm

Thank you Katie for sharing. You’re right. It does get easier, even though those first days getting out of bed feels absolutely impossible. The emptiness does begin to fill up with hope and faith. Thank you for sharing your kind words!

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Kelly Ann May 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm

It sounds like you’re in a better place already.. each day does get better.
You are ABSOLUTELY right in feeling your feelings! The only way through it is to feel it. Otherwise, the painful feelings pop up in other ways and at other times.
BIG hugs,
Kelly Ann

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:46 pm

Thank you so much Kelly Ann. Yes, feeling my feelings and sharing them here really helped me get through it. Appreciate your support!

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Holly May 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Beautiful. I spent a lot of time judging my process during a painful breakup. These are such good, accessible tips that honor our own process. Much love to you.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:46 pm

Thanks Holly. Yes…honoring the process with as little judgement as possible.. It’s so important. Thanks for your love.

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Joann May 4, 2012 at 12:11 am

Thank you for sharing your heart. Breaking up is hard to do but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. My fiance and I recently broke up and the main way that I am getting through it is to feel it (the icky parts), deal with it and move on. Emotional Freedom Techniques have really helped me get through this as well. I look forward to reading about your healing process!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:47 pm

Joann, thank you for sharing. I hope you are healing from your breakup with your fiance, I know it isn’t easy. YES, EFT is so helpful and it was no accident that I was in a tapping workshop with Nick Ortner the day after the breakup. Appreciate your words.

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Khadia May 4, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Evidence of your strength is in this article, and how inspiring it is to see that you know your strength and potential and to take the hardest challenges as the largest opportunities for growth. xox Change your perception, and you change your life <3 Thank you for sharing Jenny!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:48 pm

Thank you, Khadia. Yes, challenges are opportunities for growth and we have to remember that we all experience pain and suffering, and helping each other through it is the most important thing we can do. Appreciate your support!

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Kate May 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I read Broken Open after a breakup as well. It’s really an incredible read! May you have broken open to a place where bigger, bolder love is possible =) In the meantime, lots of yoga!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:49 pm

Thank you, Kate. Yes, Broken Open has been my trusty sidekick during the past year. I’ve gifted it to so many people as a result of my experience. Thank you for your support!

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Ritu May 8, 2012 at 11:59 am

Loss of something beautiful and loved is something that leads to growth like nothing else that I’ve ever known. You are amazing! I love the way you write. Stay strong and know you are loved!
xo -Ritu

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:50 pm

Thank you, Ritu! Your friendship and support has been so incredibly helpful throughout my process. You are an incredible inspiration. I love you!

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Kerry May 9, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Hi Jenny,
I wanted to share a resource that might be helpful. A friend just went through a breakup and got connected with this wonderful healer and shaman Patricia, http://thewisdomkeeperconnection.com. I also had a session with her and it was sooo transformative and healing.
love to you!
Kerry

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:52 pm

Thank you so much, Kerry! I sooo appreciate this. And I will thank you in person tomorrow morning at Dr. Lipman’s office. :)

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Jessica May 12, 2012 at 2:20 am

Oh sweet Jenny! I am sorry to hear you are hurting. You write so beautifully, and when I read this…it was like I could feel the pain too. My mom always says, the second most painful thing, after dealing with death, is breaking up. You are so strong to write about this is such an open way. And you are so right…this will be such an amazing transformation for you. You are already such a wonderful person, I can’t imagine it getting much better! 😉 But it will. And every day will get so much easier as you go through this. The other quote I love regarding suffering is “learn to watch the burning with great delight”. I always kind of roll my eyes when I hear this thinking “how could I actually like suffering”? Although it is so true that it really brings you to a higher place in life. I can’t wait to see what amazing things come for you! If you need to talk, please give me a call or send me a message. Love you! -Jess

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:53 pm

“learn to watch the burning with great delight”

WOW….
Thank you so much, Jess. Love you.

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Rachel @ Healthy Chicks May 12, 2012 at 11:12 pm

This was absolutely beautiful Jenny, so wonderful of you to put honesty and truth into a post which I’m sure many can relate too. You are going to help so many people, and like you said health is so much more than just food, exercise, etc. It’s self care and personal growth as well, and it seems you are right on track. Great post! Keep on nurturing yourself :)

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:54 pm

Thank you, Rachel! Yes, it’s so much more than food and exercise. The emotions play such a huge role..and nurturing pain is a serious self care process. Appreciate your support.

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Anastasia May 15, 2012 at 8:30 pm

Right on Jenny! So sorry for your breakup, I know how you feel. Last October my live in boyfriend of three years pulled the rug from under my feet and broke up with me. I was broken and could barely get out of bed most mornings or stay in bed at night. I lost weight from not eating and thought I was going to die, but obviously I didn’t. With a little help from my friends, family, yoga practice, prayer, meditation, herfuture.com, and lots and lots of books I’m doing much better. Am I back to the old me? No, but that’s the point. I’m still learning a new normal, figuring out who I am without someone else there 24/7 and loving it…not every moment but most of the time. Keep it up mama you are an inspiration and a kick ass chick!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 9:56 pm

Anastasia, thank you! I so relate to your comment and I really thank you for sharing this. It truly is a day-by-day process and some days are harder than others, even as time goes by. Figuring out who I am without a partner has been such an incredibly important process for me, and it sounds like for you as well! High five for getting through the depths of the pain… xo

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Mary Razouk May 17, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Jenny – I only discovered you today through Kris Carr’s website and I was so inspired that I had a talk with the Institute for Integrative Health! Break ups are the worse and I’m so sorry. I have absolutely been there (Ouch, ouch, ouch). I felt so, very lost, deeply confused and terrified until…well…I got through it just like everyone said (I hated when they said it though!). It’s a roller coaster but as you go through the grief process, you just have to trust that this feeling is temporary, even if someone stays in some little pocket of your heart. You will suddenly stop someday very soon and note how much better you feel everyday. Your advice is spot on. I also think it helps to distance yourself from the person in order to truly move on (but that’s just me!). If it helps at all, just know that you inspired someone today and you will absolutely thrive through this! Hugs!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:01 pm

Mary, thank you! YES – such a rollercoaster..and yes, I agree with the distancing advice. In the past I had a habit of going back and forth a million times after a breakup, and this is my first time not doing that. It has been really difficult and awful at times, but I can see how it’s been necessary for the healing process, even if he has stayed in “some little pocket of my heart.” Aw. That phrase is really cute. I am glad to hear you talked to IIN and hope you are having a beautiful journey.

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Terry May 19, 2012 at 7:37 am

Hey, coming from a man, you really helped me today! I by happenstance, found this blog of yours. Your very insightful! Thanks for those words. I too am also on the journey of health, mentally, physically, and spiritually! Keep up the blogging, by looking at the posts, you have a gift! Thanks again for your words, they really helped me today!! Blessings to you!!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:02 pm

Terry, awesome. Thank you for finding my blog and thank you for letting me know that it helped. I appreciate you!

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Lindsey Witmer May 22, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Love you, Jenny. <3 <3 <3 Linds

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:03 pm

Thank you Lindsey. Love you, appreciate your support. :)

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Stephanie May 23, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Jenny,

I absolutely love this article. I love your honesty & vulnerability to post this. Most major changes do feel extremely uncomfortable, especially when you’re not using drugs/alcohol to drown them out. What you’ve written and suggested is beautiful & I have no doubt others will benefit from the article. Your honesty has inspired me to keep it real..there really is no other way out than directly through it. You gotta feel to heal :) sending u good vibes!!
Xx
Stephanie

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:04 pm

Thanks, Stephanie. I appreciate and feel the good vibes. YES, not using drugs & alcohol to drown out the pain was also a new thing for me with this breakup. So much different but walking through the pain courageously and head on is really worth it. Thank you for your support!

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Jenny May 23, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Again – wow…I love the way you write – thank yoU! :) Feel your feelings – so simple, yet not easy. I have a bad habit of thinking I have no right to feel a certain way. For example: “You have a great life, how dare you feel depressed about your current job…” It’s as if I don’t think I am “suffering enough” to deserve feelings. Weird right? Being human is rough sometimes!! Love what you do and who you are! xoxo

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:05 pm

Jenny, thank you! I completely relate. I’ve had people say things like that to me, when I was having a really hard time with the breakup. “But how can you be upset when you’re in California at a yoga retreat?” DUDE, it’s not the outside stuff, it’s the inside stuff that dictates how we feel about our lives. I mean, right? Yes, we need to feel it all.. Thank you.

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Jill Timmerman May 24, 2012 at 12:01 am

OMG.. this is the most helpful information I have ever come across for getting through a painful breakup. I just went through one almost a year ago and I wish I had your post then because I suffered… A LOT.

I know those who shall meet shall meet.. and that everything is a learning experience.. and that when a relationship is over it’s not a failure… just that the learning had ended…….. it still doesn’t take away the pain and your post addresses every part of that grieving process. amazing. I’m sending this post to my brother who is just now going through a painful split from his wife of 7 years.

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Jill Timmerman May 24, 2012 at 12:01 am

I want to add a HUGE THANK YOU!!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:07 pm

Thank you Jill. I hope your brother is healing from his split with his wife. I know how difficult that must be. I really appreciate your insights, you’re right, it’s not a failure, it was just time to move to a different and new phase of life. Your comments mean a lot. xx

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Amina June 8, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Thank you Jenny for letting me know i’m not alone. My boyfriend and I broke up on Sunday when I found out he was cheating on me and got another girl pregnant and proceeded to start a family with her. It has been the most devastating, humiliating, and painful experience for me this first week. A part of me still can’t believe it. He has not apologized or anything to me, as we have been together for several years. I feel so numb. But your article gives me hope that things will get better and I will feel normal again one day. I sure hope so because right now, it can’t feel much worse.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:07 pm

Amina, I am so sorry to hear about your breakup. I have been going through the healing process right along with you over the past year and I really hope and pray that you’re feeling better. Lots of love to you.

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becca November 26, 2012 at 11:09 pm

wow its hard to believe how similar our stories are. my boyfriend of 3 years and i broke up a little while ago. we lived together, ate together, played games together, cried, laughed, loved. we helped each other through the toughest parts of our lives over those 3 years. he was my best friend and we wanted to stay that much at least but dosnt look like that will happen. we both knew things had become difficult between us but instead of talking to me he cheated on me with an ex girlfriend and with the girl he is currently dating from work. i honestly wish he could just say sorry to me and mean it. if i could say one thing to him it would be, “I dont hate you, im just disappointed that you became all the things you said you would never be.”

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:09 pm

Becca, I am so sorry to hear about your breakup. “We lived together, ate together, played games together, cried, laughed, loved.” Oh, I so relate. My ex and I helped each other through a lot of tough times too and it’s really difficult to let go of a relationship like that. I am so incredibly sorry for your pain, and for what you’ve gone through, and I wish you so much love and healing.

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Lynnell December 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I’m a mess eight years together ended in one day because he said I lied and I didn’t it was going to be a surprise but it back fired in my face and I lost and I’m 49years old pain doesn’t discribe this feeling help

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:10 pm

Lynnell, I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I hope you are healing and moving through this in the best way possible. I understand how awful it feels and how lost you feel. If there’s any chance you’re reading this now, my heart goes out to you and I hope you’ve been able to find support. We’re all in this together.

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Lynnell December 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Will he find sum one better Willis 13year old daughter call her mom I’m sad just down

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jay December 28, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Just thought I’d send in a post to say thank you… I literally thought I was the only one who felt like my world was crashing down around me… Day 2 of being single after a 2 year long very happy relationship that eventually ended because of sudden long distance, I’m supposedly ‘just a kid’ so I ‘don’t know what love is’ but the stereo type was wrong for me, I know exactly what it is, my boyfriend of then 14 months immegrated from here in south africa to australia, the last few months have been hell… And we decided to break up day before yesterday, the nausea is horrible… The constant crying… The pounding headache… Watching tv adds makes me burst into tears over and over again, but the worst is that when we started dating I knew he was all I’d ever need and I pushed my friends away, and even though we’ve stayed friends, I have very few people to turn to, and I’m banned from my best friends house… Anyway… I uhm just wanted to say thank you… For all the advice and for letting those of us that are unfortunate enough to go through this know that we’re not alone…

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:12 pm

Jay, thank you for your comment. It really takes me back, the feeling sick, the sadness, everything. You are NOT alone, ever. Thank you for sharing your story. Anyone who comes back and reads this comment will be comforted by being able to relate. I appreciate you.

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Mary January 2, 2013 at 11:26 pm

Sadly goin thru the same thing n though ive been thru this before I dont wana go thru this again. Pain comes n goes jus wish I cud stop it. I hang with fam n friends but wud rather be alone but since I know its not healthy I dont. We went from living together engsged to not speaking Christmas or New Years its rough. Pray for me Im a tough cookie bur dang WHY???

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Abby January 22, 2013 at 5:47 pm

Mary, I just came across this article and read your story. It’s been 20 days since you posted – are you doing any better? I am going through this and it’s day 2 and I feel so alone. None of my friends really want to hear it again (we broke up over a month ago and got back together) and we’ve been together almost 4 years and live together. I don’t have anywhere else to stay just to get out of “our” apartment and I’m scared and alone. I’ve been through this a handful of times in my past but being older and making more plans for marriage, etc. (which I didn’t really do with the previous boyfriends) makes it even scarier because now that’s gone. My heart hurts so bad and the anxiety and nauseousness… I hate this so much it makes me angry too. :'( I don’t want to go through this…

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Lin March 13, 2013 at 9:27 pm

hang in there. try to understand that the pain is only temporary. I am in day 7 of my breakup,. I remember day two I was in extreme shock and pain…and it still comes in waves, unannounced,, it creeps up on me and I am crying my heart out .. so much heartache, but…it does get better. try to nurture yourself, just accept that it hurts right now and do whatever it takes to soothe yourself,, like you would do to help another in this kind of pain.,…warm blankets, cup of tea, curl up in front of the tv, talk on the phone or through internet….take a walk. If your friends dont want to hear it, they arent really your friends.. friends will support you and love you when you are down, they may not be able to be there 100% of the time, but they will never not want to hear it,,,
you are in my prayers :)))

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:44 pm

Lin, thank you for sharing. Yes…it comes in waves.. thank you for the suggestion of soothing yourself with tea and blankets and walking…I totally agree. You’re all in my prayers!

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:43 pm

Abby, thank you for sharing this and I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I hope you’re feeling better and feeling more peace now. All I can suggest is to keep reaching out for support wherever you can get it. Even going to a therapist can be extremely helpful if you don’t want to keep talking to friends. I’m sending love.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:20 pm

Mary, I’m sorry to hear you have gone through a similar situation. I am praying for you and hope you have gotten through the worst of it! I like that you said you’re a tough cookie. I hope you’ve found some strength through the pain. Thank you for connecting. I appreciate it.

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sam February 5, 2013 at 11:10 pm

I’ve always been that guy that wanted to say he never cried.. I broke down when I read this. Thank you for the post. Might be weird a guy found his way to this website but after 3 1/2 years of being in love and everything being perfect and suddenly broken I don’t know what to do. I was forcing myself to look forward and not look back. Made me feel good to know that it was alright to let my emotions take over because all my good times in the past were spent with her. Thank you

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:22 pm

Sam, thank you so much for commenting and sharing how you’re feeling. I totally relate and understand where you’re coming from and I hope you’ve been able to heal and get through it. Sending hugs.

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Brittany February 26, 2013 at 11:29 am

Thank you for sharing this. I am going through the same situation. We both knew the day was coming and that it needed to come, where we separated and moved into our own places but that did not make it any easier. I am not quite at a week yet but I have been doing what you shared and it really does work! Friends and family will help you through your darkest days and I am so thankful for them. My ex and I have a civil relationship and he is my best friend but soemtimes that seems like it makes things harder. If possible I would reccommend a clean break and time apart, for me that isnt possible. Thanks again for sharing your story and helping us to know we are not alone.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:26 pm

Hey Brittany. Thanks for sharing this. Yeah, friends and family helped me through it. And I agree about the clean break. It’s difficult, but having the space to build a new life can be very important. None of this is easy and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. But it does give you a new strength and a new perspective. Thank you for your story, I hope you’re feeling more healed. xo

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Lin March 13, 2013 at 9:19 pm

thank you for sharing your journey. I am currently going through the first week of a very painful breakup,,, it is extremely painful, I dont ever remember going through something so emotionally crippling and heartbreaking. I wanted the relationship to end, because he treated me so badly the last few months of our relationship,,, we both knew it was coming to an end, after being together for two years,,, but I never imagined this much grief over the ending of us. I dont want him back, I have even moved 3000 miles away just so I am not tempted to go back to him,,, I must pass through the initial pain of the ending of us, but it is so so hard and painful,,, I am in day 7 now of this pain,,, and some days I feel like the grieving will never end..
so just want to say thank you for the tips on getting through this. I do have loving support and help around me, I am staying with friends for now, and I am doing the best to love and nurture myself through this.
thanks again. much appreciated to find your website.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:28 pm

Emotionally crippling. Yeah, I relate to that, and I really hope you’re feeling some peace. I promise, it does get easier, and the initial pain and shock does lessen. You’re a strong person for being able to get through this and you’ll undoubtedly help so many others too. Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate you.

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Julia March 27, 2013 at 3:28 am

Thank you for sharing your story. I can totally relate. My boyfriend (now ex) were together for over a year, we shared a lot of great times, but he could never recognize or take responsibility for his shitty behaviour. For almost 6 months he never had time to see me, talk to me, make plans, we weren’t even really intimate anymore. I began to feel low about myself and in turn lashed out at him because of how unhappy I was. My head ran a mile a minute during that time trying to understand why he was avoiding me. He never even realized he was doing anything to hurt me, even though i would cry about everything to him asking for things to change, but he only saw that i needed to change, never we both had to change. We went to Thailand, we argued over trivial things and he broke up with me and sent me home so he could continue ‘HIS’ trip alone. He just let me leave. He sent me a final letter that rebroke my heart.. i actually had a feeling he was going to make contact, its like i felt my relationship end and i suddenly, sitting alone really accepted its done. He wasn’t making me happy which in turn made him unhappy. I’m on day 8.. My heart feels overwhelmed with sadness and pain.. It’s so hard to control my thoughts. Your blog really inspired me and I truly hope your words can guide me to a better place. May you and I both find inner peace and love.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:30 pm

Julia, thank you for sharing your story, I felt your pain just reading this. We have to really trust that these people were removed from our lives for a reason, because something beautiful awaits. I understand feeling overwhelmed with sadness and pain. All you can do is try to get through the day and have the faith that you will find strength. I am thinking of you and sending you all the healing I have in my heart!

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Alicia walker April 10, 2013 at 10:17 pm

Reading this felt like I knew you and that you understood. Your blig made me feel like I’m not alone and that I’m actually going to be ok. Thank you!

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JP April 12, 2013 at 2:04 pm

I came across your blog because I am going through a very similiar situation. My partner and I broke up three days ago and although we had tried to work it out for the last year we knew in our hearts we had to let each other go. I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train – I don’t know which way is up and I cannot stop crying. I literally feel like someone in my life has died and in a way they have because not only have we’ve been partners for five years – we were best friends. We are currently living together and our lives are so intertwined I don’t know what we are going to do. We are trying to have mutual respect for one another because we actually still love each other very much but sometimes I just feel like screaming, I’m not the one that wanted the break-up.

Your advice to go to a different space is a good one and I think I may have to do just that. I just feel so lost :(

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Michele May 8, 2013 at 11:51 am

I am going through this exact thing right now, just happened over the weekend.. and out of all the things i have read, this one is REAL. it doesnt say go get drunk with friends and forget him.. it says do what you need to do at your own pace. and i needed to read that. i hope the best for you in the end, and i deeply thank you for writing your story.

one thing thats really been helping me is Writing myself notes on word. i can sit there and type Every little detail down to myself, the good, the bad, the Horrible, the things i miss etc. and it helps. i printed off the first few and will re read them. i also have Jumped into work.. which is helping like Crazy.. not looking forward to the 1st weekend alone, but taking it Day by Day !

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:33 pm

Hi Michele, yes. The reason I wrote this blog is because most people do recommend going out and getting drunk and sleeping with someone to get through a breakup, and I personally believe that kind of behavior only takes you further from healing (although who am I to judge anybody’s journey, right?) I really hope the best for your too, and I trust that your path will only take you to more growth and rich experiences.

Thank you for the suggestion of writing notes to yourself.. that’s really helpful and I hope it’s helping other people who might be reading this. Thinking of you, and sending lots of support. xo

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Carol-Ann May 11, 2013 at 8:06 am

I am on day 4 of a breakup. He also left over 2 weeks ago and I was exstatically happy that he came back……only to leave again after a lovely weekend together before I came home from work. I am stunned and devastated. Cant eat,have lost loads of weight and cant go to work even tho I have tried but no good as I’m a nurse and cant stop crying at times:-( We were meant to be getting married in Sept and I feel that my whole future has been wiped out. I am 45 years old and it took me ages to find him in the first place. I miss him and his two children so much. I worry about how I’m going to carry on without him. My friends have been great but the lonliness and emptyness is immense. I hope I can start to heal but I know what a long process it is,as I’ve been there before and I know how difficult a journey it is.x

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:46 pm

Hi Carol-Ann, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear about your pain and I can relate to the emptiness and feeling devastated. I can only suggest to keep reaching out for support and trying to find some shreds of hope and faith in the situation. I am willing to bet that incredible things are on the horizon for you. Sending love.

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Just Me May 23, 2013 at 4:30 pm

This is my 6th day into a breakup. I feel like my heart could stop at any moment. We have been together for three years, living together and loving eachother. I have lusted over this same man for the past 9 years. He was always there somehow.. Serving me (and my at the time boyfriend) coffee at a local starbucks, or when he was the best waiter I ever had at a diner. He was so mysterious. When we started our romance, it was a love I never thought existed. I can honestly say that when I move on, I’ll never be over him completely. This is one for the books and grandkids. I have had a couple serious relationships, but nothing as wild as this. We were connected, I could feel love when he looked at me. He came and introduced me to an entirely new world: lifestyle, music, a new way of thinking. I changed for the better. Now he says he just can’t do it anymore. I was so good to him, and now I’m so confused. I want to be completely numb. When I think about it I cry and my ulcer gets the best of me, then I end up sick. The true story is I believe he isn’t ready to fight. He’s about 30 and still doesn’t understand relationships take a lot of work at times. I’m his first long term.. Thank God Im goign to San Francisco for the long Memorial Day weekend. We are sleeping in separate rooms now, and when I bring our dog to him in the morning before I go to work, it’s a slap in the face all over again. She’s daddy’s puppy, we got her when we first got together. And some advice, when you look at your partner lustingly, it makes things 10x worse. Look the other way when he or she comes in the same room in that black button down with those cool slacks or the slinky dress she’s going out with her friends in. Normally, no one knows their body like you, but it’s not yours to think about anymore.. Keep it that way.. He’s so casual too, like nothing bothers him.. A “Do you need some money” here, and a “Would you like me to make you lunch?” there.. I just want to shake him and tell him, you broke my heart and all I can do is focus on breathing. Lucky for me, our apartment manager has a studio she’ll let me rent tucked away amongst our 2 bedroom duplexes.. Huge change but I know it’s for the better. This post has helped me immensely.. I work out and eat healthy but I too, am affected to the point I can’t eat. On my lunch I ate half an apple (the snack I couldn’t eat at work), threw it up, then cried for the remainder. Of course I had the luxury of going home, (our x place) for that time. And for me it’s not just places, things and people reminding me of him, it’s everything. I took our family stickers off the back of the van, so my first time driving it (and the second, and the third, and the fourth…) really hurt. I had to pull over because I couldn’t see through my tears. Writing does help. I have about 9 or 10 pages of my thoughts. Continually writing anything and everything I feel and think about the situation. I am also complimenting myself in between some of the negative thoughts.. I am beautiful and sexy, I am strong, I will get through this. In the future someone will return love the way you give it.. Encouraging words keep the psyche strong. Thank you for yours, and although mine are lenghty, it helps to share.

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jenny sansouci June 9, 2013 at 10:50 pm

WOW – thank you so much. I can’t even begin to tell you how much of this I completely relate to. We move on, though, and things change and the pain lessens, although I really do deeply feel so much about what you’re saying here. I am sending you tons of support and love. Good luck and stay strong my friend.

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Gaby October 31, 2013 at 1:01 pm

Wow, I can relate so much to this…. I hope that as time has gone by you have been able to feel better…. XOXO

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Julie July 10, 2013 at 8:43 pm

Thank you for posting and sharing your experience. I have been trying to find an article that was going to help me through my own break-up. Which Im going through now. I wanted to make sure what I was feeling and my struggles, were normal.

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Julie July 10, 2013 at 9:04 pm

We lived together for two years. He was my high school friend, from 27 yrs ago. We found each other at our High school reunion and reconnected all over again..We dated for over 1 yr before I moved in. (along with my 11yr old son)..I loved him dearly but at times I felt our relationship became unhealthy for me…and things changed. I did leave before and came back after he promised me things would be better…but they didn`t…I did eventually leave, bought my own place and became independant again..Though i love my place..i miss him greatly….i have good days..and days that i can`t get out of bed…at first he begged me to come back..or at least do babysteps together..i agreed with the babysteps..but that never happened…he started blaming me for leaving..letting go of our dreams..that i crushed him etc..and the little that we do talk..its always him blaming me..and im heartbroken all over again..i have good days and very bad days…but im trying to use my time in a positive way..a healthier way..and self discovery is the key..I can`t stop thinking about him and we do love each other..its just hard moving forward, and so many things i do and places i go..remind me of what we use to do..i read alot now..i see my friends more…i stay busy..almost too busy…i miss my best friend and thought that we would even marry one day…i stopped texing and calling as when that happened, i seemed to be more upset after talking with him….i struggle each day…but time does help and times does heal…as i have been told….its nice to know that there is self help books to help you deal with break ups in a healthy way and rediscover yourself…thank you

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jenny sansouci December 6, 2013 at 12:19 pm

I relate…and yes…time does heal.

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Texxasgirl September 6, 2013 at 3:01 pm

thank you for this. I am currently going on day 7 of no contact with my ex. I made it official over a message on fb (since he blocked my phone #) on Tuesday. He had a habit of playing the quiet game after arguments and I couldn’t take it anymore, especially after our last fight which resulted in him telling me that he needed space. I realize now that he stopped liking me the day I started loving myself again (doing well in school, making jewelry, and starting an online business) . The attention wasn’t on him anymore and he didn’t seem to like it. Today he deleted me and my family off of fb and boy did it hurt. This is my second relationship (3 1/2 years) but it hurts so much worse than the first. I know he has narcissistic qualities but I cant it, I still love him. What hurts the most is that he didn’t fight as hard as I did for the relationship.

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Texxasgirl September 6, 2013 at 3:04 pm

help*

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Jane October 21, 2013 at 5:16 pm

I can relate to the narcissistic qualities, it causes damage to the whole family. I am still recovering from narcissistic abuse, it is a real thing and should be taken seriously. I am learning to love myself again, learning to trust again. Hang in there, you will know when a real love comes along. I have jeopordized a new real love relationship – I hope and pray that I have learned a lesson from my infidelity and can rebuild with the love of my life.
My ex husband also did not fight for our marriage – it is very painful and I am just realizing just how long and painful recovery can be from suffering narcissistic abuse. Take care of yourself.

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Bairbre September 9, 2013 at 6:11 pm

hi, I just came across your blog and I realize that’s it’s old but my relationship juat ended two days ago and broken doesn’t begin to describe how I feel. thank you for writing this and I hope I can reach some stability soon.

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jenny sansouci December 6, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Thanks for reaching out…I hope you’ve found some peace and healing.

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Learning October 11, 2013 at 6:30 am

Thank you so much for this. I have been going through a tough break up for the past 2 weeks. The only thing is that we ended on pretty bad terms and I still don’t know where we stand. Getting myself out of bed has proven to be such a task but I’m getting better and stronger through reading. Thank you for this article. I just hope to be able to get over this. It has taught me so much about myself.

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jenny sansouci December 6, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Hope you’re getting through it and uncovering some golden nuggets of wisdom about yourself. :)

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Jane October 21, 2013 at 5:09 pm

so much pain and heartache, I am the one that cheated on my boyfriend. I am filled with regret and shame. I love him deeply, what kind of person does this? I feel awful, I told him about it and he is deeply hurt, understandably so. I hope he finds your blog, it may help him as it has helped me. It was a one time fling with an ex boyfriend that I wish I could erase. My boyfriend and I are so trying to work through this, but I don’t know if I could forgive him if he did this to me. The road to rebuilding his trust in me will be long, I know this but he is worth it. I am so so sorry Walter, please give me another chance. I love you.

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Joy November 27, 2013 at 2:33 am

My ex-boyfriend dumped me one week ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you ADODO spell. You are truly talented and gifted. Email: dradodojattotemple@gmail.com is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man

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Caitlin December 6, 2013 at 11:42 am

This is so beyond helpful. I’m on day two of my break up after two years, living together and two dogs. I’m already doing a lot of the things on this list and its nice to know i’m not alone and I’m headed in the right direction. I’ve been calling my mom and my friend Adrean like crazy, I’m staying with family friends because all my other family in 800 miles away. I’ve only slept a few hours in the past few days and I only eat when forced. I don’t even know what I’m feeling I’m just numb. Thank you for writing this I will be keeping it open on my computer all week and probably longer.

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jenny sansouci December 6, 2013 at 11:47 am

Caitlin-
Thank you for your comment, I could feel your pain in my heart while I was reading it. You’re not alone, and I promise you’ll get through it. I’m on the other side today and I can tell you going through that breakup was one of the most transformational experiences of my life. It woke me up and forced me to become me. Sending you strength and healing energy…

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Elly January 19, 2014 at 3:52 am

Hi there. I just broke up with the man i thought im going to marry. Actually, he broke up with me. We were together for abt 2 years and we did a lot of things together and we went thru a lot. I let him in more than i did with any other human being in my life and i felt like he was my soul mate. Then we were in long distance for a year and he just left. I tried to kill myself because of that. And now im trying hard to let go. I stil do love him, and deep down i do hope he’d come back someday. But now im just trying to let go. Some days im okey. Some days i broke down. But it helps to know there are others going thru the same.

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Liz February 18, 2014 at 2:06 am

I’m so glad I found this I’m on my second day of the break up,
You are a brave person thank you I’m trying all the steps

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katie March 9, 2014 at 5:50 pm

omg thank God for this….

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Justine June 19, 2014 at 2:45 pm

Thank you for your post.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night of three years and all the of articles I am finding are always written for the dumpee.
However, being the dumper is not felt any better than the pain a dumpee is feeling. I don’t know if there is this common perception that the dumper is this strong person who leaves the relationship without blinking an eye or shedding a tear. But, I have carried the burden of the one who said something was wrong. I was the one who decided it was time to leave.
I took the first step towards healing by ending the relationship and I am hurting now as I have hurt him. I have yet to go through the ordeal of finding a new place and the division property and I know I am not out of the dark yet, but I have taken the first step.

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Bridgette G July 14, 2014 at 1:13 pm

This is such a great blog I’m so glad I’ve found it. After just over 11 years with my bestfriend who I thought would be my husband, he split last Wednesday. I’m actually doing well, aside from the sudden flashes of fun times, experiences, etc, in which then of course the tears flow. I hate having to go through this. I hate having to feel the pain, why? Why do I have to hurt?

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Bridgette G July 14, 2014 at 1:15 pm

Plus, the mere thought of being single at 39 and dating again, makes me want to vomit! Please share.

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Tim July 17, 2014 at 11:12 am

1st full day from a mutual break up. 5 yrs. Helped each other get out of the worse part of our lives. Grew into love from friendship. The exact thing that pull us together is now pushing us away from each other. Time is standing still with pain. Separation is necessary for our growth as individuals. I understand. It’s when I’m in the swirling thoughts of not seeing her or doing the things we loved doing together that grips me the hardest. Feeling weak is an understatement. Living in part with focusing on just breathing. This to shall pass. I accept this as an opportunity to grow substantially. Thank you for opening this up.

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Hillary August 6, 2014 at 1:55 pm

Hello.. I’ve stumbled upon this blog while googling the book “Broken Open” and oh I’ve got tears rolling down my cheeks. It’s so nice to know you’re not alone and that the hell you’re feeling has been felt and endured and overcome by others.. I am coming out of a year long affair with a “Shaman Lover” as referred to in the book. I feel like my world has been flipped upside down and I too feel like I need this pain to hurry up and finish, but your blog helped me realize that I need to nurture myself and treat myself just like I was going through an illness.. I know your post is a couple years old, and I hope you are doing wonderful now! I will get there but just wanted to let you know that this post really really helped me. Thank you :-)

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Ben August 10, 2014 at 10:05 pm

You know life can not be complete when you have all the money you need but still you are not able to win the heart of your lover.. I have been after this girl right from my days of college by trying all my best to make her see reasons to love me or at least be my girlfriend but all were in vain. After seeing how long i have waited and how much i have wasted trying to get her expensive gifts then i decided to get her through other means, That was when i went online they i got the details of this great spell caster called Dr.EKPEN TEMPLE. Normally i have never used spell or have an idea of how it works but through the help of Dr.EKPEN TEMPLE this girl i have been after for so many years started having interest in me and finally were are having a strong relationship and i feel so happy knowing that she loves me so much. DR.EKPEN TEMPLE will always be my best spell caster then you can contact Dr.EKPEN TEMPLE email him through (ekpentemple@gmail. com)

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Joe September 7, 2014 at 12:43 am

This is day 3 of my breakup and I am going through hell. I have no friends here because we just moved into our new home a month ago and I have nowhere to go except on the net. I’m feeling like the world has just ended and I just want to die right now. I have been with her for 7 years and the past 3 have been miserable. She totally let herself go physically, and did zero to try and correct it. The physical attraction was completely gone for me, and that was important. Now, the relationship is gone and even though I love her so much, I can’t look at her. I am not a shallow man and have been faithful and true to only her for the entire relationship. Now I feel like my world has exploded and I’m alone again. I just want to die because the thought of being without her is terrifying.

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Julia September 22, 2014 at 1:17 pm

I love this post! Seven weeks ago my now ex-fiance broke up with me…twice in the same week. He blamed me for not being able to do what he wanted and not getting to spend enough time alone with his family. I have been wracked with guilt and emptiness. I have had trouble eating, sleeping, nightmares, etc. Reading this post has made me feel not so alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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jenny sansouci July 24, 2015 at 1:48 pm

Hey Julia – there absolutely is light at the end of the tunnel and you are not alone! This stuff makes us stronger…I hope you’re healing and have found some hope in the situation. xo

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Karen October 16, 2014 at 12:47 pm

Thank you so much for what you have shared. I hope that you are in a better place today as that gives me hope. Heartbreak is a horrible feeling but it does force you to look at yourself and become a different person.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved” – Helen Keller.

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jenny sansouci July 24, 2015 at 1:46 pm

Amazing quote, thank you for sharing that, Karen. :) I am in a much better place now, in a great relationship – and the 2 years I was single were wonderful, too — because of the breakup I traveled, met incredible people, skyrocketed my life to a new level. I wish everyone here tons of healing, growth and learning. :) We are in this together!!

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Leigh-ann lomax November 16, 2014 at 4:08 pm

Thank you for writing this.
I split with my husband 5 weeks ago for the second time of him cheating, a week before we were going on holiday together and 10 days before our 25 wedding anniversary, I know it’s the right thing to do and for the first 3 weeks i was coping really well in fact probably to well, i think it was because we had split 6 months before because he was cheating he moved in with someone else but came back after 10 days.
Now as i say i’m in my 5 week, Wednesday is start of week 6 i have seen him just once since we split he was meant to come other and collect somethings on Thursday which he did after i’d gone out it was as if he was waiting round the corner for me to leave.
Today i am finding things really hard i haven’t stopped crying since i left work at 4pm it’s now almost 9pm. I text him and told him i don’t think we can be friends like he wants because i feel he has been selfish and inconsiderate posting up his relationship status on facebook told him he wouldn’t have liked it if it had been the other way round, he says hes going through hard times with her ex police are involved and he has a lot to deal with so needed to do that, yet i feel the one who is left picking up my heart. He says i’m being inconsiderate of his feelings making him keep his feelings secret yet all his family now as he took her to meet them 11 days after we split up.
Our 2 children are 20 and 21 and i try very hard not to show how upset i am but some days like today i can’t stop. I can’t afford to stay in the house i’m currently renting and have just got the keys for a smaller cheaper property but it needs so much decorating doing to it spent the last 3 nights before today up there painting for 5 hours after work each night and still loads to do just couldn’t face it today.
I know i’m not alone i have my children but they have their own lives and i can’t and don’t expect them to be here 24/7 in fact even when they are at home they are in their own rooms doing their own thing whilst i am sitting her alone.
He has asked for some furniture which he is entitled to and i have agreed on him taking so i have ordered new which is going to put me in debt but if i try telling him how i feel it always goes back to him, how much he has got to deal with, how much debt he is in.
If we didn’t have kids i don’t think we would be talking and to be honest after the texts we sent to each other tonight i don’t think we will be friends.
At this moment all i want to do is curl up and die and i told him if it wasn’t for the kids i wouldn’t be here which he didn’t like in fact his response “thanks for that”.
I’m thinking of making a dr’s appointment as i don’t feel i can go to work tomorrow i work all alone and feel i’l just be in tears all day again if i go in, but i don’t want to rely on antidepressants i know i’m not ill and i will get other this just finding it difficult today.

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jenny sansouci July 24, 2015 at 1:45 pm

Hi Leigh-ann, I know I am super late in responding to this comment but I hope you’ve been able to heal from your breakup. No doubt you and your ex will always be in each other’s lives because of the kids but the only advice I can give you is to pray for healing for you both, and try to have faith that it happened for the best for both of you. No doubt after all this time you’ve probably found some glimmers of hope in the situation. Wishing you the best..

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jamara March 27, 2015 at 4:42 am

Omg I’m dealing with the most saddest breakup ever and it hurts even worse that we have a son together. You have really helped me to move on because I didn’t knw wt to do. And everything u said was so sincerely written and I just wanna thank u for taking your time out and helping others like me much love and good luck on your journey to happiness. Xo.

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jenny sansouci July 24, 2015 at 1:42 pm

Hi Jamara — I hope you’re healing. I can promise you time heals all wounds and a few years later my life is beyond my wildest dreams. Stay strong.

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Sarah July 24, 2015 at 12:51 pm

I know your post was written three years ago and I hope that you are happy and thriving now (I hope everyone who posted their stories are healed now).

I happened to stumble upon your blog after doing some research on how get through the first few days after painful breakup. Most articles are generalized and cliche and make me roll my eyes. I just wanted you to know that yours resonated and actually gave me a little direction instead of the feeling of just wanting to lie down and vanish into the ground.

I was blindsided this past week by my now ex. We had a kind and loving relationship, we never fought and we enjoyed our time together. So when he walked in my house and blurted out he didn’t love me and couldn’t say he ever did, I was taken aback. He kissed my dog goodbye, packed his stuff and left. I still haven’t processed that moment. It’s like a movie reel being repeated over and over in my head. That just makes me more angry and hurt.

I have taken some of your suggestions. I found that talking helps (it’s especially great when you have a lot of girlfriends and you can talk to all of them so you don’t exhaust them on the subject matter). I also found that going off of all social media is imperative. Of course you want to tell the world what he or she did to you, but in the end it just makes you look bitter. Just eliminate it so you aren’t tempted.

Thank you for your sincerity and all the best.

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jenny sansouci July 24, 2015 at 1:40 pm

Hey Sarah,
Thanks for sharing your experience here…I understand and I know everyone else who has posted here understands too…this kind of pain is a universal experience and just know you’re not alone in your struggle. I promise you – time does heal!! I was single for about 2 years and took all that time to really work on my own healing…and I’m in a relationship now with an incredible man. Stick it out – take care of yourself – you will be stronger for it. Sending hugs! Jenny

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Gabby M. July 25, 2015 at 2:04 am

Thank you so much for posting this. I am so glad I searched Google for help (for once). I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years yesterday night. I feel as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest, a pain that I never imagined I would have to feel. He lived with me and moved out a week ago when we argued. I would do anything to be with him. But he refuses to even act like he cares. I know it’s best for me to give up. I know its time to walk away. It’s just so hard… I love him, still after he has been 100% cruel about my personal feelings and stating “he did nothing wrong” and that I am “going ballistic on him” he wouldn’t even adress a single feeling that I brought up. How was I so stupid that I thought he cared as much about me as I do him? And how in the world am I so stupid that I would run back to him if I had the chance? And any advice on how to not think about him? He helped me decorate my house and especially my bedroom, and even made some of the furnature for me… everywhere I look reminds me of him and I have cried every hour or time I see something else new. Thank you again for your post.

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Courtney August 13, 2015 at 12:38 am

Thank you for this excellent blog. My boyfriend and I of one year have been through several no-contact breaks and break-ups over the past 7 months, and what has to be the final break-up is now unfolding. What has been excruciating for me is going through this completely alone. I moved across the country last year (met him two months after the move) and have no friends or family here. No one. I’ve tried to make friends in earnest, but it is so difficult these days, especially since I’m 43.

So I’m wondering what are some ways to deal with the pain and void when completely isolated. I asked family and friends to fly out (even offered my freq flyer miles), but no one was able to/wanted to.

A few months ago, we went through a break-up with No Contact thereafter (for 6 weeks). I ended up checking myself into ER one night out of desperation for help.

I tried signing up with MeetUp groups, but I wasn’t able to get out late on Fri or Sat nights – again, alone and without friends.

ANY advice would be most appreciated.

Miserable…..

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