My friend Jeremy of Long Distance Love Bombs posted this today.
His caption:
“In Portland last week, we stayed with my cousin for a few nights and his neighbour and her dog often sat on the back deck.
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One night, I watched her sit in silence, staring and glaring at the yard and her dog, sometimes breaking her peace to yell out for the barking to stop. She seemed harsh to me, and really, she seemed quite mean. I remember feeling bad for the dog. I remember wondering if he wished he lived on our side of the fence where a five-year old girl would shower him with hugs and love.
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My cousin came out and said hello. He asked how she’s doing.
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Her answer shocked me, her words a heavy whisper, a sentence searching for a hug.
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“My mother has cancer.”
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She just found out.
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She’s flying to Europe to see her soon.
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Immediately, my heart sank as I thought of the pain she must be in, and it sank again as I realized I judged her poorly, harshly, wrong.
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So often we project our own stories onto the lives of others.
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That guy in traffic who cut us off isn’t a good dad rushing to pick up his daughter from school. He’s an asshole.
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The waitress who was rude when we changed our order? We think she’s a bitch, but we don’t know her rent’s due and she doesn’t have it. We don’t know her boyfriend broke up with her last night and a part of her is dying inside.
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And on it goes.
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An annoying stranger. The loud lady on the phone. Your boss. A sibling.
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These people, all of them, have stories and secrets we’ll never know, so we project our best guess. We fill in the blanks of their lives. We write a quick story and believe it but we don’t give them a chance to read it, critique it, help us see we create assumptions instead of connection when we choose our answer and refuse to ask questions.
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Emotions are just hints for us to go within, to dive deeper, to see what’s really there.
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They manifest in different ways. Sometimes hurt is rude and sometimes pain is mad.
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And, sometimes, in a small yard in a big city, sometimes heartbreak looks mean.
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We never know what a person’s story might be.”
When I read this, I was on the subway I was literally nodding my head, “yes!” as I read it. I commented, “best thing I’ve read today” and I knew this is what I’d share with you guys on the blog.
Posting a blog every day has made me pay extra special attention to the moments that really MOVE me throughout the day. Instead of just trying to come up with topics to write about, I pay attention to what sparks something within me. Especially on days like today, on weeks like this week, where there’s a lot of people saying a lot of things, and seemingly a lot of distance being created between us Earthlings…those moments of inspiration or acknowledgement or connection mean so much.
Reading this on the subway in the middle of New York City was particularly poignant. Every single person in the subway car looked different. Everyone came from a different place. Different ages, races, ethnicities, styles of clothing, passions, interests, frustrations, moods, preferences, identities, stories of why they’re here in New York. So many different stories.
And as Jeremy said so eloquently in that instagram post, we don’t know anyone’s story, or how life has impacted them, unless they tell us.
When we assume, we fill in the blanks of other people’s lives without asking them.
We create assumptions, rather than connection, when we choose our answer and refuse to ask questions.
It can feel almost impossible not to create stories and assumptions about people before we even give them the benefit of the doubt. We all do it. But as I’m sure you’ve experienced, it can be incredibly frustrating when someone assumes something about you or how you feel or your intentions…without asking you. Right? We’ve all had to explain our way out of someone’s assumptive story, or explain our own assumptive story about another person, because of the disconnect that occurs with the lack of asking honest questions and listening for honest answers.
We assume things based on OUR own internal story. Our own story about what it means to be a good human, what it means to be a friend, what it means to be a partner, what it looks like to have integrity, how others “should” or “would” act or speak or respond or behave if they truly cared about _______ (whatever we personally think is worth caring about).
Yeah, our minds can be a total mess when it comes to analyzing other people. We are like investigative reporters, piecing stories together about how someone is probably feeling…based only on our own perceptions, which often come from our own past.
And trust me, I get into story-creating and assuming in my relationships with people every day. But I am very curious about noticing this, especially noticing when I’m making up stories about how someone else is feeling or being or intending when I haven’t even asked them.
I can’t help but wonder.
What if we didn’t assume so much?
What if we asked more questions? Listened to more answers? Gave people the benefit of the doubt more often…especially those closest to us?
It’s not always easy, but I believe it’s a practice that creates deeper intimacy and understanding and connection and ultimately, love…in a world that severely needs it.
Sending you starlight,
Jenny
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