Yesterday, I woke up feeling sick and run down, and, if we’re being honest (and we are), pretty damn PMS-y. I had this plan in my mind to get a ton of work done, and do some great workout. I had the entire day free, so there was no excuse not to be as productive as humanly possible.
I’m not above pushing myself past my personal limits, but I was really, really tired. My body and mind and spirit were asking me for a break. I had my laptop out in front of me, but kept wanting to lay down on the couch and wrap myself in a blanket. I’d been feeling this way for a week and had been trying to push through it.
You should have heard the battle that was going on between my mind and my body about whether to work or take a nap. I can be a serious drill sergeant to myself sometimes. I can be a crazy perfectionist Virgo – it’s a strong suit because it makes me wildly productive. But sometimes it gets pretty exhausting.
Finally, somehow, I surrendered. I let myself melt into the couch under a blanket and I let my eyes close. In that moment between being awake and asleep when I finally let go, it was as if my whole body smiled, filled with warmth and said “thank you.”
Once I woke up from the nap, I didn’t start working. Instead, I walked outside to the park with no agenda. It was the first sunny spring day in Brooklyn. I got a coffee at the local coffee shop in my neighborhood. I haven’t “allowed myself” to have a coffee in months. I walked really slow. I sat in the sun. I watched people laughing and walking their dogs. I listened to my “effortless” playlist. I felt free and relaxed. And I got tears in my eyes (good ones!), because in that moment I remembered.
I remembered what it feels like to really fall in love, to really be in love, and what I really want romantic love to feel like. A warm blanket wrapped around me when I’m tired. A cup of coffee on a sunny Saturday afternoon in the park. Walking slow. The sound of an acoustic guitar. A warm smile that I can feel inside my entire body. Melting into ease. Melting into sunlight. A hot bath. Tenderness. Making brunch with the windows open and feeling the spring breeze. The feeling that everything else can wait.
I tend to get a lot of ideas in my mind about what I “want” in romantic love. You know. We all do. This guy is definitely the man for me, look at him, we’re so much alike, it would just fit so perfectly, that’s exactly what I want, I just love everything about him. He’s totally my co-star. You know the elaborate fantasies we get about people that actually aren’t based on feelings or real intimacy or mutual freedom, they are based on mind and ego stuff. How many times have you thought with every forceful little cell in your brain that you were meant to be with a specific person because it just made so much “sense” in your mind?
Yesterday in the park, I remembered that it’s not about any of that. It’s about a feeling. The way the love makes you feel, the way the love makes you exist differently in the world, the way it makes you walk through your life…with a greater sense of beauty and grace and ease and magic. You absolutely can’t construct that feeling out of your over-analyzing mind, no matter how much you try to force it.
We can stay attached to our fantasy storylines for so long…until we meet a person who doesn’t match exactly with our ideas of the perfect partner, but for some reason they just make our insides melt into a puddle. Love comes in like that.
I have this vision that comes up in my dreams…of being on an airplane sitting next to a man I love and putting my head on his shoulder and closing my eyes and feeling that same warmth through my body that I described during my nap yesterday. This man, in the dream, doesn’t have a specific face or name or career or hobbies (other than, I guess, loving me and wanting to travel together). It’s just a feeling.
When you really fall in love, it takes you to a place you can’t justify with your brain and you can’t accurately describe on paper. It’s not forced and it doesn’t need convincing. It’s not competitive and there’s nothing to prove.
I remembered that yesterday by caring for myself. Letting myself off the hook and being that person for myself…the one who says, relax. It’s ok to let go.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this blog except for the fact that it feels important and I feel mushy. And I wanna write about love just as much as I wanna write about smoothies, so whatevs, I’m gonna.
I saw this sign in Barnes and Noble a few months ago. I didn’t post it then, because I remember thinking “are my standards too high if I agree with this?” But the answer is no, fuck no. I don’t have to tell you guys. Why settle for something that pacifies your mind but not your heart? It’s like taking a job that pays well and looks good on paper but you don’t feel passionate about. Your heart is gonna speak up and catch you red-handed sooner or later. You know that.
Ok, yeah. If you feel like a mushball now too, feel free to share some stuff in the comments. I like hearing the little sounds that come from inside your heart.
Thank God for PMS, it makes me write this kind of crap. It’s like I have no choice in the matter.
JoAnna says
Hi Jenny-
Thank you. This post is exactly what I needed today. I am going through a break up with my boyfriend (who I live with) of nearly five years and am in the most fragile state of my life. As a fellow virgo, I know all of too well how we push ourselves to be wildly productive and are then hard on ourselves when we need a little break. I am trying to rewire my thought process to be kinder and more lenient with myself during this time, and that it’s ok to somedays “do nothing.” It’s slow moving for me right now; simply one foot in front of the other and a constant dance on the verge of tears, but posts like this help me get from this moment to the next. My sincerest gratitude to you for sharing this. Here’s to self-love and the sun finally coming out.
Thank you xx,
JoAnna
jenny sansouci says
Hey JoAnna-
Thanks for commenting. I feel you on that. I don’t know if you’ll find this helpful, but I wrote a “getting through a breakup” post when I went through my last major breakup. At the time, these things helped me just to get stay alive through the day. One foot in front of the other leads to a new life. I promise. :) xx
https://healthycrush.com/getting-through-a-breakup
Sue says
I have someone wonderful to set you up with. How much older will you date?
Love,
Sue
jenny sansouci says
Haha! That’s really funny. I was wondering if this blog reads like a personal ad. I don’t know, now I’m nervous. ;)
JoAnna says
Jenny-
Thank you. That post is exactly what I needed.
JoAnna
jenny sansouci says
I’m so glad. Keep showing up for yourself. xx <3
denese bottrell says
so i got on your site today to leave a comment thanking you for your 7 Day smoothie recipes (they were just what i needed as i’m trying to go off sugar) and your posts on Landmark (i passed your insight onto a friend going through a very hard time… i think your posts saved his life ;) and for being so honest and open about addictions, sugar, love, life…
then, i read this post on love. i got engaged on Thursday, to someone who didn’t make sense on paper at first…but he gives me that wrapped in a warm blanket, you can rest now feeling… thank you for putting into words what i’ve been feeling in my body for years. and for wanting to write about love as much as you wanna write about smoothies (love that line). keep doing what you do. and never, ever settle for less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love, whatever that feels like for you. it is soooo out there and possible.
p.s. my guy is out searching for cases of Harmless Harvest coconut water so we can continue loving your smoothies. he’s a keeper!
jenny sansouci says
Denese, thank you for sharing that!! I really appreciate your comment, and for sharing my blog with people who it may help…means a lot to me and I hope it’s been useful.
Congrats on your engagement, and cheers to your coconut-water hunting man. :) I’m glad you feel wrapped in a warm blanket with him. That’s so sweet and special.
katie says
Jenny! I love your PMS so much right now. Thank you for writing this! Your airplane visualization is beautiful! Mine is similar and what the heck Healthy Crush is a safe space I can share about my love crush!
So my vision is this: I’m somewhere warm sitting on the grass (pretty sure it’s California don’t know why) and I’m just so happy I live there and someone comes up and hugs me and sits behind me and we picnic. It’s nice.
Never actually verbalized this it’s usually just in my meditation, but felt rad to share. Thanks for writing this. Write more on love.
Love you.
ps. can’t wait to ‘like’ & comment when you share an instagram of you resting your head on your man’s shoulder on the plane as you travel the world.
jenny sansouci says
awww katie, thank you!! your vision is beautiful too. I’ll definitely write more on love. it’s just so succulent to write about:) and yeah, that instagram pic is gonna be really fun and so #highvibe. :)
Shannon says
Jenny, you made me cry. I read everyone of your blogs and don’t comment often (other than an in person, old-school comment ha) but I have to tell you how beautiful this was, and especially important for me to read today. Thank you. Love you so much :)
jenny sansouci says
shannnn!! aw. i love your in-person comments. in person for the win! but it is extra special when you write one here too. :) thanks for being there with me through many loves in my lifetime.
Alisha says
Jenny, I wanna read about love just as much as I want to read about smoothies! Fuck Yeah!
jenny sansouci says
that’s what i’m talking about!! #fuckyeah
Sarah says
Oh Jenny… You write so beautifully and your “emo” posts might just be my favorite ones of all ;). You have such a way of articulating things that is powerfully clear and speaks volume to me. This post was so timely. Thank you so much for reminding me that, YES, in the end : “Your heart is gonna speak up and catch you red-handed sooner or later. You know that.”!!
I have been experiencing a lot of internal turmoil regarding certain life decisions and I have had a LOT of self-doubts and incessant inner dialogues and questioning that left me confused and completely lost. It’s been truly exhausting but in the midst of it all, I still wanted to trust my heart as my number one compass for direction…Lately though, I was starting to think that maybe it was not the best way to find my answers (using my heart and feelings). This post was a nice “wink” from God that yes indeed, it is safe for me to do so (even though sometimes I doubt it). I take it that I decided to read this particular post of yours for a reason and I guess that was the message.
So just thank you <3
jenny sansouci says
Awesome that you came across this post. Divine timing. :) The heart wins. Good luck!!